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Tumbler Ridge Counselling Services |
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Counselling: An Act of Courage or Cowardice
I am amazed at the courage that some people display. They look fear in the face and even though they feel the fear; they act. They do what they need to do and over come the obstacle or barrier that is before them. They are the ones who are heroes to me.
Rick Hanson is such a person. He has become well renowned, honoured and respected through out the world. Here was a man who had a major problem - a spinal cord injury that left him paralyzed from the chest down. Some might have said that this tragedy would negatively impact the rest of his life. Some might have said that his life and potential were cut off, that he is damaged goods and will be lucky to find decent work. Many people, I am sure, could not see past the paralysis to see the courageous man inside.
Any person who suffers such a loss goes through intense grieving over the life that they could have had. It is common for them to hate people who are close to them, to hate themselves for their present condition and to hate God for the cards they were dealt. And in all of this anger they sink into the mire of depression where they feel powerless and out of control. They come to a point of hopelessness where they can not imagine anything good coming out their situation.
I am sure that Rick too, had a similar journey to travel with his paralysis. But Rick like many others worked to rebuild his life. He had to face his fears, his demons, his losses, and when he did so, he was able to rebuild his life - not to the life he had before his accident, but to a life with greater meaning, greater passion and greater potential for good.
Yes, I think Rick is a hero. But, I have met many Rick's. They are the people who have the courage to come into the counselling office. They are the people who have the courage to face their fears, their demons, their struggles, and their internal battles. Through the counselling process, they work hard to deal with their losses, rebuild their lives, and create a better, more meaningful life for themselves. I am amazed at the courage these people display. It is not that they do not feel any fear. No, they feel the fear and face their issues in any case. They deserve honour and respect for their courage. They are not cowards for going to counselling. They are the daring ones for confronting their own internal conflicts. They are the daring ones for doing battle with their demons. They are the courageous ones for facing their own fears.
Rules For Productive Conflict
No physical violence allowed. This must be a firm guideline.
All rules should be set by the husband and wife only. No third parties should be involved in setting or enforcing rules. No, "We’ll see what mother has to say about that", or ‘My best friend George says a wife ought to...".
No fair using love or sex as a weapon or punishment. No threats of or actual withdrawal of love or sex as a punitive measure.
Marital fighting should clearly focus on the real issue. No unfair fighting about dirty dishes when what both of you are mad about is an unsatisfactory sexual experience.
Marital fighting should focus clearly on an issue of current relevance. No mud-slinging from the past.
No leaving a marital fight in the middle of the fight unless there is a mutual agreement to a temporary cessation of hostilities. No fair emotionally leaving by using the silent treatment or weakly complying with, "Whatever you say, dear."
No hitting below the belt. Avoid personal attacks and name-calling. an atomic weapon when a squirt gun will do….or becoming hysterical….or criticizing the unchangeable. Don’t throw your feelings like stones.
No emotional stamp-saving. Clear the air between you and spouse as soon as possible. Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.
When fighting respect your opponent. Avoid cornering your spouse unless you are prepared to deal with a snarling tiger. Leave room for a graceful, mutual withdrawal. Remember, you have to live with each other tomorrow.
Discover and discuss any marital rules. Try to figure out what they are, how they are developed, how they are enforced.
As soon as possible, get rid of any garbage pile of bad feelings from the past, by opening and talking.
Attack the problem, not each other...back up accusation with facts...remember to forget...no cracks about in-laws or relatives...no cracks about your marc’s appearance...no dramatics...stay on the subject.
Consider offering some solutions with your feelings. But cramming solutions down your spouse’s throat is a sure way to get them spat back at you.
Don’t manipulate your mate with, "Its all my fault."
Be humble - you could be wrong.
The couple faces each other, holds hands, and looks into each other's eyes. One partner volunteers to be the confronter, the other the one being confronted.
The confronting partner completes the following sentence: "One of the things that you do that hurts our relationship is "Try to put this in a way that describes the visible behaviour of the other person."
Example:
"Bill, you lose your temper at me too easily when we do not agree right away on a decision."
The confronted partner then responds by restating the conflict in his or her own words until both agree on the basic statement of the conflict. The confronting partner then describes his or her feelings or reactions to the other's behaviour.
Example:
"Every time you do that, I get irritated with you and am unable to think clearly."
The confronted partner also expresses his or her feelings elicited by the conflict.
Example: "When you get irritated, l just want to avoid you until we both cool down."
A process follows in which each partner looks at the way he/she may contribute to the solution of the problem.
Example:
Confronting partner:
"I can see now how my being on edge really ruins my thinking."
Confronted partner:
"I can also see how my fear about getting the short end of the stick gets me ticked off early."
This honest, open interaction usually bring negative and uncomfortable feelings to a less intense level. The couple in our example then look at ways in which they may do the following:
a. Tune into each other's feelings when hard decisions arise.
b. Express acceptance of each partner's freedom to suggest alternatives. Avoid making put-downs and value judgments.
c. Agree to seek more information if necessary. d. Agree to consider each other's needs in the decision making. eg. Identify personal changes in behaviour that would help resolve the conflict. f. Choose another time to explore the issue if either partner is not ready to do so when the climate seems uncomfortable.
This may appear to be a contrived and complex process, but every mutual pattern of resolving a conflict takes some careful and intentional work on the part of both partners.
Change is always happening. It is the one thing for which we can be certain. It simply is an inevitable part of work life in the 90’s. Why is it that some change is so difficult to take? And why do some people appear to cope well with change and others do not?
Change that is forced upon us is especially difficult to deal with. We naturally want to resist it and dig in our heels. Although our reluctance to change is a natural human response, it doesn’t always help us. When we get stuck in resisting change, it tends to work against us. As a result of the change, we can easily build resentment, anger and frustration. It can leave us feeling powerless. We become drained by all of the negative emotional feelings. We don’t enjoy work anymore and we lose our sense of purpose and creativity in our work. After a major change, it is very possible to end up doing a worse job, rather than a better one. How do we make the most of a change that we ourselves did not want? When change is hard, how can I adjust to it?
Dealing with change always begins with letting go of something. Change always involves an emotional transition that few people may recognize. Change happens at one point in time but the emotional transition is a process that is worked through afterwards. In any successful transition from the old to the new, the first step is recognizing that change begins with letting go of something (and sometimes many things).
Letting go commonly brings feelings of loss, grief and guilt. We may feel anxiety about the future. This is a normal part of any transition. But that doesn’t mean its easy. Once a person has let go, their energy can be used for more productive things. After letting go, a person moves into a "neutral zone", a kind of no-man’s-land between the old and the new. It is a period of time where the old way is gone, but the new doesn’t feel comfortable yet. This limbo land may be frightening and some will want to escape it.
It is after the uncomfortable "neutral zone" that we can begin the stage of "new beginnings". People make the new beginning only after they have first "let go" and spent some time in the "neutral zone". Most people want to start with the new beginning rather than end with it.
Change is a process with different stages. Transition involves "letting go", a "neutral zone" of uncertainty and then the stage of "new beginnings". When we focus on how to successfully "let go" it will help us to move forward and feel better about it. It will increase our enjoyment and performance in work.
Problems Unique to Stepfamilies
W
ith the high incidence of divorce in the Canada, there are increasing numbers of stepfamilies. New stepfamilies face many challenges. As with any achievement, developing good stepfamily relationships requires a lot of effort. Stepfamily members have each experienced losses and face complicated adjustments to the new family situation.When a stepfamily is formed the members have no shared family histories or shared ways of doing things, and they may have very different beliefs. In addition, a child may feel torn between the parent they live with most (more) of the time and their other parent who they visit (e.g. lives somewhere else). Also, newly married couples may not have had much time together to adjust to their new relationship.
The members of the new blended family need to build strong bonds among themselves through:
- acknowledging and mourning their losses;
- developing new skills in making decisions as a family;
- fostering and strengthening new relationships between: parents, stepparent and stepchild, and stepsiblings;
- supporting one another;
- maintaining and nurturing original parent-child relationships.
While facing these issues may be difficult, most stepfamilies do work out their problems. Stepfamiies often use grandparents (or other family), clergy, support groups, and other community-based programs to help with the adjustments.
Parents should consider a psychiatric evaluation for their child when they exhibit strong feelings of being:
- alone dealing with the losses.
- torn between two parents or two households.
- excluded.
- isolated by feelings of guilt and anger.
- unsure about what is right.
- very uncomfortable with any member of the original family or stepfamily.
In addition, if parents observe that the following signs are lasting or persistent, then they should consider a psychiatric evaluation for the child/family:
- child vents/directs anger upon a particular family member or openly resents a stepparent or parent;
- one of the parents suffers from great stress and is unable to help with the child's increased needs;
- a stepparent or parent openly favors one of the children;
- discipline of a child is only left to the parent rather than involving both the stepparent and parent;
- members of the family derive no enjoyment from usual pleasurable activities (i.e. learning, going to school, working, playing or being with friends and family.)
Child and adolescent psychiatrists are trained and skilled at providing comprehensive psychiatric evaluations of both the child and family.
Most stepfamilies--when given the necessary time to work on developing their own traditions and to form new relationships--can provide emotionally rich and lasting relationships for the adults and help the children develop the self-esteem and strength to enjoy the challenges of life.
Alcoholism is a one of the biggest health problems in Canada. Most "typical" alcoholics are married with jobs and family responsibilities.
Alcoholism is an illness that consumes entire families. Because the feelings, thoughts and actions of everyone in the family are affected by the alcoholic's drinking, it is often called a family disease. Family members cannot control the alcoholic's drinking but they can control how it affects their own lives.
It is a disease that develops slowly and often it takes years before a family may seek help. Some typical warning signs of alcoholism are:
- Frequent use - drinking more often and in larger amounts
- Promises to drink less or to switch types of liquor and requests to stop "nagging" Ignoring or avoiding responsibilities and a lack of interest in activities without alcohol
- Increased "blackouts" - when a drinker cannot remember what happened during a drinking period
- Increased tolerance- drinking in greater amounts to get the desired effect.
- Appearing sober after drinking large amounts of alcohol
Alcoholics rely on drinking to function and they become physically addicted to alcohol. Alcoholism is hereditary and certain people have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism.
Alcoholics often give reasons or excuses for continuing to drink and blame others for their drinking. Because alcoholism is a family problem, everyone in the family suffers.
Some typical problems include:
- Guilt- family members begin to believe the alcoholic's accusations and take the blame.
- Shame- family members withdraw from social activities and keep others away from their home because they are embarrassed by the drinker's behavior.
- Resentment- Children can lose respect for the non-alcoholic parent for not doing anything.
- Insecurity- alcoholic behavior is unpredictable. As alcoholics drink more and more, they neglect family responsibilities.
- Financial problems- alcoholism almost always threatens job security and financial affairs.
- Delinquency- children often act out their resentment and neglect by behaving destructively.
Recovery begins when the alcoholic and the rest of the family recognize the disease and the affect it has on the entire family. Family members need to face the truth and find sources of help such as Al-Anon and individual therapy. They can encourage the alcoholic to get help and provide information about treatment options or speak to a professional about an intervention.
Family members should pursue their own interests regardless of the
alcoholic's behavior. An unhappy, isolated family will not be motivated to help
themselves or the alcoholic. Others should not take the blame for the
alcoholic¹s behavior and should remember that they are not the cause or reason
for the drinking and behaviors that go along with it. Families should not
threaten without acting. They can obtain the advice of a professional and then
decide on a course of action. Enabling or covering for the alcoholic takes the
responsibility from the drinker and he or she does not have to experience the
negative consequences of the drinking.
The following are some things that family members should NOT do :
- Threaten, bribe or punish the person into quitting.
- Hide or dump bottles. Remember that you cannot control someone else¹s behavior.
- Take over responsibilities for the person.
- Cover up problems that occur as a result of drinking.
- Drink with the alcoholic -you may end up with a drinking problem yourself.
- Accept unrealistic promises. Alcoholism is not a failure of willpower. Most people need some sort of help to quit their drinking and the only way to handle the disease is to stop drinking.
Once someone accepts and seeks help for a drinking problem, the results may be slow. Recovery is difficult and as a family member, it is important to be supportive and patient. Family problems do not disappear overnight, once the drinking stops. There has been a lot of pain and chaos in the family for a long time and the family may need therapy and support through programs like Al-Anon. Relapses can occur as in any illness. This does not mean the person has failed. Try to be patient and supportive and remember that recovery is a process. Families need support and guidance from people who understand the problem.
It was hard for Bill to imagine a time in his life when he felt worse. At the beginning of the month he had a horrible fight with his best friend. A few days later his two year old son became seriously ill, requiring an emergency room visit. His son was later admitted for dehydration. This required him to take time off from his job. The next week, his company had an all staff meeting where it was reported that due to a decrease in purchases by a major customer, they were anticipating some down-sizing and restructuring.
As the weeks passed, this and other day-to-day worries began to take their toll on Bill. He began having more difficulty falling asleep and often woke up several times during the night. In the mornings it was harder and harder to get up on time and he was arriving later and later to work. As Bill’s workload changed and increased, he found he was eating more often and was starting to gain a lot of weight. He began to feel more and more overwhelmed with his life. Though he had many close friends, he never talked with them about his feelings of hopelessness. He gradually began decreasing contact with them. As the weeks passed, his sense of hopelessness and depression continued.
Bill, like approximately 18 million North Americans, suffers from depression.
How do you know when a situation causing you mild emotional upset will get better on its own or if it will continue to spiral downward unless some intervention is taken? Understanding more about the symptoms of depression will help you tell the difference between the normal ups and downs of day-to-day life and a more serious condition, known as depression.
Depression has different forms and levels of severity. Temporary or situational depression happens when there is a specific event, such as a divorce or other major life disappointment or loss. In this instance, the person knows why they are having the reactions they are experiencing. The feelings can range from mild sadness to total misery. For a while, the individual may experience varying degrees of success coping with life. Often, time and a good support system can help a person heal from situational depression. Other times, medication or short-term counseling is recommended.
Depression can also be chemical, the result being a chemical imbalance in the brain. Individuals with chemical depression may experience moderate to severe symptoms such as withdrawal from others, tearfulness, insomnia or oversleeping, changes in appetite, anxiety, or a lack of motivation. When very severe, a person may be unable to get out of bed or function. Some very depressed individuals may contemplate suicide.
If you or a family member is suffering from depression, what can you do?
First of all, be aware that depression is treatable. 10-15 % of the population will be depressed at some time in their lives. See your family physician for a medical exam and evaluation for medication. There are many good medications for depression that have few side effects and are not addictive. Take care of yourself physically. Even though you may not feel like it, be sure to exercise, eat well and get plenty of rest. Avoid drinking alcohol with the belief that it will make you feel better. Alcohol is a depressant. Make an effort to be with people. Seek counseling and support.
If you need help with depression, remember you do not have to suffer alone. Confidential help is available for you or a loved one through the Tumbler Ridge Counselling Servives at 242-5505.
Goal Setting: A Sure Fire Road to Success
By Julie Tillman-Frost
Whether you're just starting your business, or celebrating your 5th, or 25th anniversary, writing down your goals is probably the single most important thing you can do. Think that sounds far fetched? Think again. Without goals, we don't know where we are going. If we don't know where we are going, how we will ever get there?
"Without goals, and plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination." - Fizhugh Dodson
If you were going to drive to another state to visit your Aunt Betty, wouldn't you have a plan? Wouldn't you bring a map? Surely you would! Otherwise you could end up in Georgia instead of Colorado! Both places are nice, but Aunt Betty would be disappointed if you ended up in Colorado and missed that delicious apple pie she spent all day preparing! Writing down your goals is like deciding your destination. >From there you can draw your own 'map'.
"If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else." - Laurence J. Peter
So, how do we go about setting goals? Write them down! Whether it's on your computer or a napkin from your local deli or a sticky note - get it down. It's not important where you write them, just that you do. The act of writing your goals down (or typing them out) helps you visualize your goals, and gets you thinking about how you will reach them.
"A goal properly set is halfway reached." - Zig Ziglar
Need a lesson in goal setting? It's easy... Get your pen and paper, or computer and keyboard, in front of you and remember these key ideas;
Begin with the end in mind - Your goal shouldn't be something so huge it seems unattainable. Small goals to reach a larger one are often a more effective way of reaching them.
"Without a goal to work toward, we will not get there." - Natasha Josefowitz
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Write down at least 5 goals you have for this month. Make them as simple as "Work for at least five hours each day" to "Pay all my bills early" or "Make sure I market my business in some way - every single day." Then you can work on your long term goals - For next year, 3 years from now, 5 years from now, and longer.
"Happiness, wealth, and success are the by-products of goal-setting; they cannot be the goal themselves." - John Condry
- Prioritize your goals. Each goal is important, but some need to be reached sooner than others, and some will take more effort. What is your most important goal? Visualize yourself reaching that goal each day. Figure out what smaller goals you will need to reach in order to reach the most important.
"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there." - Bo Jackson
Sometimes we wonder why we've had mediocre results in the past... Where did we go wrong? Many times you can attribute this to lack of goal setting. Simply wishing for things to happen won't make them happen. Writing down you goals, and in turn figuring out how you will reach them will make them happen.
"Those who cannot tell what they desire or expect, still sigh and struggle with indefinite thoughts and vast wishes." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Whatever you do, don't take your eyes off the goal. When you are driving to Aunt Betty's, you may come across a closed road - But you won't fret, because you have a map, and you will simply take another route. Many times you may have to change your path, but your focus should remain on the goal and how you will reach it.
"Obstacles are those frightful things when you take your eyes of your goals." - Hannah Moore
I believe in the power of thoughts. Whether you want to call it prayer, meditation, visualization, or anything else, there is power in it! If your having trouble reaching your goals, by all means, think about how you will reach them, step by step, until you have attained them! These thoughts will bring action. You create your own destiny, why not visualize the destiny you want?
"Picture yourself in your minds eye as having already achieved this goal. See yourself doing the things you'll be doing when you've reached your goal." - Earl Nightingale
Start a goal journal today!
