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Tumbler Ridge Counselling Services |
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Enhancing
Your Relationship through Goal Setting
By Russell Webb
In counselling couples about their relationships, it sometimes amazes me how little they really talk to each other. Couples often fall into the trap of making assumptions as to what their partner is thinking or feeling and it is also not uncommon for one partner to expect the other to "just know" what is important to them or to be able to mind read their thoughts, feelings, expectations, limitations, meanings and values.
Many couples find themselves stuck in a rut. Life has this way of imposing more and more onto their individual plates. Soon a couple can get to the point where they feel that life has taken over and is running them rather than the other way around. It is not uncommon for a couple's relationship to begin to feel stagnant because each person in the relationship is so busy taking care of the "nitty-gritties" of life that they lose the overall purpose of their relationship. They end up in "survival mode" taking each other for granted and their relationship for granted. How can they redevelop meaning in their relationship? How can they establish new meaning within their relationship without blaming each other for personal disappointments? The answer - Goals!
As we enter a new year and a new millennium, goals are a powerful and positive way for any couple to enhance their relationship and find new meaning, purpose and camaraderie. Here are seven steps to using goal setting to enhance and improve your relationship:
1. Look At Your Lives
Take the time to sit down with your partner and look at your lives, individually and as a couple. Look at each of the eight areas within your lives: (1) your relationship, (2) your children, (3) your emotional well-being, (4) your physical condition, (5) your spiritual life, (6) your financial well-being, (7) your work life and (8) your community involvement's.
2. Rate Your Lives
Take each area separately and ask yourself how you feel about this area of your life. Then rate it. Give it a score between 1 and 10 (1 means this area of my life is not doing well at all. 10 means this area of my life is doing great!). Do the rating individually and then share your results with each other. Differences are not bad, they only suggest different perspectives and different realities.
3. Brainstorm All Possible Goals
Look at those areas you feel need improvement and brainstorm all the possibilities for ways to improve this area of your lives together. Brainstorming means that you give out any and all ideas no matter how silly they may seem and write them down. For when we brainstorm freely we can end up being the most productive and creative. When you can brainstorm together future possibilities you will automatically avoid the negative blaming patterns that lead to paralysis and isolation.
4. Find Common Goals
Once you have brainstormed together, talk about and decide on which goals are the most meaning for both of you as a couple. Find the goals that you have in common and commit to working on them together.
5. Brainstorm Specific Tasks
Take one goal at a time and brainstorm together specific tasks that are required to make the goal a reality. While goals can be conceptual in nature, tasks are behavioral in nature. The tasks to achieve your goals need to be put into concrete behavioral terms. Some tasks may require a time line or due date, while others may be something regularly scheduled.
6. Commit to The Changes Required
As a team, commit yourselves to doing what is required to accomplish the tasks that make the goal become a reality. This commitment is a commitment to growth in lives as individuals and as a couple. It usually helps if you can sometimes see the new changes as an experiment. If the experiment works and helps you to achieve your goals then that's great - keep it up. But if not, it was a valuable learning experience to refine your next set of tasks or goals. As you refine your goals and accomplish them you bring new vitality, life and meaning to your relationship.
7. Re-Evaluate After A Given Period of Time
Set a date, not too far in the future to sit down and evaluate how you are doing. If you are reaching your desired goal, congratulations. You can go back to step 1 to establish new goals for yourselves as a couple. However, sometimes you may find that your goal may need to be refined or redefined - that's ok as you both are works in progress and refining goals usually makes them more meaningful. In this case go back to Step 3 and develop clearer goals. Sometimes, it can also become clear that there may need to be an adjustment with the tasks - either they are too difficult, demanding, costly or not meaningful to the goal. Refining the tasks may be required. If so, review your goals and go back to step 5 to look at improving the tasks to achieve your goals.
When,
as a couple, you establish short term and long term goals, you naturally
feel like you are working more like a team than as two individuals. You
establish better communication because you took the time to talk about what is
meaningful to each other. You establish a positive pattern of being
solution focused, oriented towards the future rather than getting stuck in the
past. Your relationship is enhanced by the fact that you both are working
in small ways to improve it. Your potential for a great relationship is
there - make it a goal and priority in your life and you can reach dreams you
never thought were possible.
If you have any questions or comments about this publication, feel free to email Russ Webb at russ.webb@spcs.bc.ca.
INTERNET RESOURCES:
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Life Plan - A Shareware program to plan and live an excellent life! Do you have ambitions to achieve something good or great with your life? Do you want to be successful in your career and with your family? Do you want to bring direction to your life? Do you have big dreams but no idea where to start? http://www.mindtools.com/lifeplan.html
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The Benefits of Goal Setting - Gives 10 important benefits that result from learning to set goals. http://www.owlnet.rice.edu/%7Echadb/okhoby/tools/goals.html
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Goal Setting - Why should I set goals? Read this article in a series that will help you with the process. The articles include such topics as Why Should You Set Goals, Deciding Your Goals, How to Set Goals Effectively, Where Goal-Setting Can Go Wrong, Achieving Goals, and the Importance of Feedback, Pulling Goals Together http://www.mindtools.com/page6.html
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Steps to Successful Money Management - Good money management begins with goal setting. Goals give you direction and a purpose for the way you spend your money. They motivate and encourage you as you
work toward doing things that are important to you. http://ext.msstate.edu/pubs/pub1738.htm -
Secrets to Mastering Your Destiny - Software! Feel like you're stuck in a rut? The Secrets of Mastering Your Destiny may help you get your life on track. This goal-setting program (named after a self-help seminar) helps you focus on what you want in life by having you write down your personal goals and store them in database form. The program provides separate sections for nine main areas of life: Material, Career, Family, Relationship, Spiritual, Social, Mental, Financial, and Health. http://www.pathfindersoftware.com/goalsetting.html
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Try out these great articles on Goal Setting:
- The Top 10 Misconceptions About Success - Jim Allen
- GOALS - The Power Line to Success and Achievement - Glen Hopkins
- How Dreams Become Goals - Diana Robinson
- Becoming a Goal Detective - By Kevin L. Polk, Ph.D.
- Creating a Compelling Outcome - By Robert Knowlton
- Creating S.M.A.R.T. Goals - By Paul J. Meyer
- The Principle of Success - Craig Lock
- Are Your Goals And Values Inline - Kimberly Goodwin
- The Top 10 Best Ideas For Setting Goals - Hilton Johnson
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Teaching Kids How to Set Goals - Goal-tending: Strategies to help your child stay organized. http://www.familyplay.com/advice/petersen/e0616.adv.html
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Goal Commitment Sheet - here is a simple sheet that you can print out to help you start to make some goals for yourself. http://www.andersonplan.com.au/wb/planner.htm
