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The Six Love Traps: Avoid Them and Improve Your Relationship
Developing
a successful loving relationship is a very complex thing. Everyone agrees that a
successful relationship would have to include love as one of the elements to its
success. But what exactly does that mean? I love pizza and I love my wife. Do
these have the same meanings for love? I hope not!
Many couples that I see can have great difficulties in their relationship due to the fact that they too have very different meanings of what "love" is. In it’s general sense, most people would agree upon a clear definition, but when working it out within a personal relationship it can get a whole lot trickier. There are common love traps that couples can fall into that can easily hurt their relationship. Below are six common traps that I see all the time. Check to see which ones may impact your relationship.
- Love Is A Warm And Fuzzy Feeling That I Get Just Below My Ribcage.
- If I Don’t Feel "In Love" With My Spouse, I Must Not Be "In Love" With My Spouse.
- What "Love" Means To Me Is The Same As What "Love" Means To You.
- If You Love Your Spouse, You Don’t Need To Tell Them. Your Actions Should Speak For Themselves.
- Love Means He/She Should Know What My Needs Are.
- Love Is Never Having To Say You’re Sorry.
Sometimes people confuse the feeling of love with the behaviour of love. As much as love is a wonderful feeling, that feeling can not sustain a relationship. It makes more sense to me to understand love as a "decision" rather than only as a feeling. If you focus on love as a feeling, you are essentially focusing upon what you can get or want from the relationship. Focusing upon love as a decision helps you to focus upon what you can give to the relationship. You focus upon how you are acting towards your partner and the focus shifts to what you are giving to the relationship.
Hollywood portrays love as something that you "fall into" or "fall out of". Love is some kind of mysterious force that has a life of its own and we are helpless in its grip and powerless to change how we feel. So, I have one question. Do you believe everything you see on TV? Do you believe everything Hollywood wants to sell you? I hope not.
Some individuals I have seen in the counselling room suggest that they don’t "feel" in love with their spouse. So they wonder whether they should separate or divorce because they’ve "…lost that lovin’ feeling, ooh, that loving feeling". If you base your relationship on how much you "feel" in love at any given moment, you are in for a huge roller coaster ride.
The
question here is not whether you feel in love, but whether you have invested
(with your actions) in loving your partner. If you don’t feel in love with
your partner, it doesn’t mean you have to panic. But, it should be a warning
signal to tell you that you need to start investing into the relationship. You
need to start taking action to show love in your relationship (whether you
feel it or not). And an interesting thing takes place when you "decide to
love" – you’re feelings of love are renewed. So, the final question
is: Do you want to feel head over heels in love with your spouse? If your
answer is "no", then you really need to look at yourself, not your
partner. If "yes", then write out a list of ways in which you can
love your partner, decide which ones you will implement this week and start
acting upon your decision. Have some faith that your feelings will follow your
actions.
This is a belief that some people have that can get them into big trouble. As much as all of us may agree with a general definition of love, it doesn’t mean that how a person wants to be loved is the same as another.
It
is not uncommon for people to love their partner the way that they themselves
really want to be loved. Thus, the love given is not usually meaningful to
their partner and not appreciated the way that the giver expected. This lack
of appreciation can easily turn into feelings of rejection that their partner
does not appreciate their love.
You need to become a student of your partner. You need to study them, ask lots of questions, and research what is truly meaningful love to them. This requires open and honest communication rather than working from assumptions.
What is meaningful love to each person is somewhat unique. So you need to check out what your partner’s needs are for verbal expressions of love. As much as you may not be comfortable using words to express love, that may very well be an extremely important way to meaningfully love your partner. And as a student of your partner, you try and meet their needs in ways that are meaningful to them not to you. We all need to hear the words - "I love you".
As much as it is important that you don’t make assumptions of what is meaningful love to your partner, it is also important not to expect your partner to know how to love you without it being clearly communicated. Expecting your partner to be able to read your mind at any given moment is a setup for them and for yourself. They will never be able to meet your needs and you will never be happy.
So, if you want something from your partner (whether in the kitchen or the bedroom), you must express what your need is. If you can’t say it, write them a letter, to start the communication. If you are angry with your partner, ask yourself what it is that you need and then ask for what you need. It is one way to getting the love that you want, when you want it and in a way that is meaningful to you.
I don’t know who exactly came up with this one, but the job description for a successful relationship requires humility, self reflection and the ability to take ownership of your part to play in a problem and the strength to admit when you are wrong. There are couples who have never learned how to say "I’m sorry" and "I was wrong" or "Will you forgive me". It is difficult to admit when we have hurt the other person. But love can not grow without it. If you choose not to take ownership and responsibility for how you may have hurt the relationship, you are choosing to allow a wedge into your relationship that can bring more and more distance in it. You can try to love in other ways, but without large doses of forgiveness in a relationship, love will not be able to thrive.
So, take some time over the next couple of weeks and sit down with your partner. Check with your partner to see if they feel your relationship might have fallen into one of these love traps. When you invest in your relationship in this way you can "ride off into the sunset" to a wonderful and fulfilling relationship for both of you.
Take the time to ask your partner the following 3 questions:
- In what ways do I love you that mean the most to you?
- How can I meet your needs for love in a more meaningful way to you?
- How can we both invest more into our relationship in the next year?
And have a great Valentine’s Day!
If you have any questions or comments about this publication, feel free to email Russ Webb at russ.webb@spcs.bc.ca.
INTERNET RESOURCES:
- An Online Guide For
Effective Living http://www.billferguson.com
Learn how to heal inside and how to have love in every relationship and in every aspect of life. Featured on Oprah.
- Couples Place
http://www.couples-place.com/
Description from site - You have found a meeting place for people, both married and unmarried, who are thoughtful about committed couple relationships and wish to make their own a vital and growing success. Information, support, and encouragement are provided here.
- Love and
Relationships http://www.topchoice.com/~psyche/love/
Information about love and relationships. Includes links to our online Love Test, findings from The Love Test and other pages on love, sexuality and relationships.
- Mental Health and
Emotional Wellbeing http://www.queendom.com/mental.html
Topics of interest for seniors, marriage and relationships, mental health, family and children, adolescence, parenting, and spiritual devotionals by Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor.
- MyNDTALK - Relationships and
Mental Health Resources http://www.MyNDTALK.org
Resources re: relationships and mental health information including a link to a live twice-weekly relationships and mental health radio show - can be heard online.
- Nancy Wesson, Ph.D.
http://www.wespsych.com
My site provides information on healthy relationships, intimacy, shyness, and stages of relationship formation.
- One Day At a Time
http://www.nsonline.com/odat/
Survival Guide for Daily readings for people struggling with - or wanting to improve - their relationships. Includes a discussion forum.
- Parents In Love
http://www.parentsinlove.com
Parents in Love proves love can grow stronger after having children; it helps develop a depth and sincerity in your relationship you never thought possible.
- Sinclair Intimacy
Institute http://www.intimacyinstitute.com
This site is one of the most comprehensive on-line sexuality databases on the internet today. Sinclair Intimacy Institute is committed to helping couples understand the need for quality sex education and helping them overcome the barriers that affect the quality of sexual relationships.
- Success FAQs on Singles,
Dating & Relationship http://www.successways.com/
Description from site - Here are carefully researched answers to many of the frequently asked questions (FAQs) of singles on meeting and connecting with people of their choice. - 100 Ways to Love Your Mate - An Article by Connie Saindon. http://www.shpm.com/articles/relation/hundways.html
- Can This Relationship Be Saved - An Article by Patricia Pitta http://www.shpm.com/articles/relation/relsav.html
- Is Your Relationship Stuck? - An Article by Bruce Derman, Ph.D. http://www.shpm.com/articles/relation/stuck.html
