Issue25



	Tumbler Ridge Counselling Services

Eight Unintentional Ways To Harm Your Family:
Learn How To Avoid Them!

Roxanne Fowlow & Russell Webb

With Mother’s Day fast approaching on May 14^thand International Day of the Family on May 15^th, it’s a great opportunity to celebrate our families’ relationships. Our families are great sources of love and support. Family is where we go to celebrate our successes and where we turn when we need help and to regain strength to handle life’s difficulties.

We love our families and want the best for our children, but we don't always do things that are best for them. In is not uncommon for couples who are raising a family to unintentionally bring harm to the very one's they love the most. See if any of these eight things are unintentionally a part of your family.

1. Love Your Spouse Secretly

In many relationships, it is not uncommon that affection, love, and romance in a couple’s relationship decreases, as children get older. Some parents feel that this part of their relationship is very personal and should not be exhibited in front of the children, or that children tend to “cramp their style”. Children also will tend to complain if they see Dad & Mom getting “mushy”, however this is still extremely valuable for kids to see and for your relationship with your spouse.

Kids need to see role models where Dad & Mom go on dates, spruce themselves up for each other and show affection for each other in front of the children. It models a healthy relationship for the children. And as much as children may groan when Dad & Mom are snuggling on the couch or have a candle lit dinner, it increases their sense of security within the family. It is valuable for your children to know that you want to spend time with your mate and that you are attracted to them.

2. Love Your Family but Certainly Don’t Show It

It seems ironic that so many fathers and mothers will easily express to others how much they love their kids. However, it is not uncommon (unfortunately) that their kids do not get to hear these conversations. Some parents feel that their families aught to know that they love them because… “I go to work every day to meet all their needs” or “I do all their laundry so they must know that I love them.” But love not shown, has no value. For as much as you may feel love inside of you for your family, if it is not shared or expressed, no benefits are reaped.

Let family members know how you feel by your actions. Showing love is crucial to teaching children how to love others. Make a cake for the family to tell them how much you care about them. Give a handmade card to each member of your family May 15^th (International Family Day) expressing your love and pride in your family. Do something special as a family to celebrate how lucky you are to have each other.

3. Praising Your Kids Too Much Will Go To Their Heads ph01728j.jpg (38631 bytes)

Families can easily get caught up in dealing with only the negative things that kids do. These negative things spark more negative things to deal with and you can get into a negative pattern of interaction with your kids. Some parent's vision becomes so skewed that they eventually only see the “bad” within their kids. This truly is a sad place to end up.

Take the time to praise your kids. There is no such thing as giving kids too much praise. It has benefits for them, for you and for your relationship. It benefits your kids in that it builds their self-esteem and helps to build a positive sense of identity within them. It helps you as a parent not to become so negatively skewed that you loose your sense of balance. And it helps your relationship with your child as it gives moments for positive meaningful interaction – something that makes for good life-long relationships.

4. Do Everything As A Family

As much as spending time with your family as a whole is valuable, it is just as important to not neglect that you also have a relationship with your spouse. Some couples focus solely on doing things for their kids and as a family with the intention of building their family, but they neglect their spouse. Eventually the kids will leave home, and it places the couple in a crisis as they realize that they really don’t know each other.

Healthy families are ones that recognize that parents need to have a relationship with each other where they take off their parenting hats and just be mates, friends, and lovers to each other. Parents are the foundation of a family structure so if the foundation is not solid, how can the structure be solid?

5. Share Everything With Your Children

Couples may think that they are being “hip” or chic to establish open relationships with their children where nothing is held back. These parents may think that they are simply developing friendships with their children. However, children need their parents to be parents, not friends who tell them all their secrets.

No boundaries between parents and children tend to harm children by placing them in the awkward role of emotionally giving to their parent rather than the other way around. This role reversal, gives too much information to children forcing them to grow up and deal with adult problems rather than dealing with their own developmental issues. It can also over-empower children, so that they eventually use the information against the parent to get what they desire. Too often, it can also create internal conflict within children, if they become aware of issues between Dad & Mom. Parents can unintentionally divide their child’s loyalty to both parents, by involving children in marital conflict or problems.

6. Respect Is For Adults Only

Some families are so hierarchical that there are completely different rules for parents and for children. The old saying “Children are to be seen and not heard” is one that exemplifies differing standards. Children, who receive respect from their parents, will tend to expect respect when they leave home. They will expect and demand respect within their marriages. Children who do not get respect within their own families grow up not expecting to get respect in the world or in their adult relationships. They wonder why they keep hooking up with partners who mistreat them.

All members must have respect for each other. The word “respect” comes from a Latin root that includes the notion of “seeing” or “viewing”. Respect is a way of viewing another person. Children need to be regarded as a person of worth. Their views need to be taken into consideration and valued. It is valuable to consider the end product you have in mind when you are raising children. Thus, if you want to have your end product being a respectful and involved, caring individual, you may want to reconsider a dictatorial approach to parenting.

7. Do As I Say and Not As I Do

What we do speaks volumes more than what we say. Sometimes the toughest part of raising children is that parents soon realize that if they are going to raise them successfully, they need to change their own behavior to fit the values that they want for their children. It is much tougher to challenge your kids not to smoke if you are still using 2 packs a day.

James Dobson wrote, “Values are caught, not taught”. Thus, being a role model is an awesome responsibility. But it can also be an awesome privilege.

8. Discipline and Structure is Only For the Military

Discipline (which is different than punishment) involves guidance and teaching desired behaviour. A parent needs to state expectations, set up routines, define boundaries and set an example for their children. For discipline to be effective, a parent must ensure the child understands what they did wrong, the effects of the behaviour, and the desired expected behaviour. Many times discipline can involved discussion regarding desired values – for the child and for the family.

Providing structure and discipline (not necessarily punishment) enhances a child’s personal sense of security. If they know what to expect in a structured routine, they feel more comfortable and secure about their environment. Constant unpredictability and chaos can be overly stressful to a child and they will tend to have more difficulty learning.

If you have any questions or comments about this publication, feel free to email Russ Webb at russ.webb@spcs.bc.ca.

Ideas for Mother's Day!

By: Roxanne Fowlow na01007_.wmf (25298 bytes)

All year Mom takes the time to care for the family. Her day is spent cooking, cleaning, spending time with the children, picking up groceries, running the kids from one activity to another and often doesn’t have much time for herself. With Mother’s Day fast approaching, it is time to think of what we can do to show appreciation for everything she does for us. The following are a few ideas for how to make Mom’s day special.

1. Ideas for Kids:

With Dad’s help, cook and serve Mom breakfast in bed.

Surprise Mom by picking up your clothes, toys and tidying up your room.

Give mom time for herself.

Don’t fight with your siblings.

Help mom by looking after your younger siblings. Taking them for a walk, playing outside in the yard or reading to them.

Make you own Mother’s Day card. Try this site: Mom's Day Fun at Kid's Domain - craft, card and gift ideas for kids that want to make Mom something special. http://www.kidsdomain.com/holiday/mom/index.html

Help with dishes and other chores.

2. Ideas for Dad:

Serve breakfast in bed.

Ask her to make a list of things she would enjoy doing during Mother’s Day (she may want time to herself or she may want to do something as a family).

Let the children know it is mom’s day today and Dad will be acting as “Mr. Mom” so if they need anything to come to Dad instead of Mom.

Take her out for an intimate dinner or cook her favorite dish and send the children with a sitter for a couple of hours.

Better yet, get a sitter for several hours and take her on a real date (dinner and a movie)

Send Mother’s Day flower and/or a card via email. Try 123 Greetings Mother's Day Cards to send virtual flowers or gifts for Mom at http://www.123greetings.com/events/mothersday/ .

3. Ideas for Mom:

Take time for yourself whether it’s reading a book, going for a walk or shopping.

Treat yourself with a hairstyle, nail treatment, massage, etc.

Relax! Don’t worry about things that may need to be done. This day is for you, so enjoy!

INTERNET RESOURCES FOR MOMS:

Myria, the magazine for mothers () - With over 75 discussion boards and features related to health and lifestyle, business and pleasure, food and art, parenting and beyond, Myria's goal is to enlighten, inform and encourage moms everywhere.
~A Mom's Love~ () - ~A Mom's Love~ supports ALL moms and offers insightful and educational articles of possible interest to any mom.
Between Friends () - A spa for your spirit! Juggle your responsibilities so that you can make more time for you. The site includes household hints, home business advice, money management ideas, articles on time management, home organization and more.
iWoman () - A great resource for mothers with topics on children's healthy eating, financial planning and much more!!
Mom's Life () - Mom's Life is an interactive community of moms offering support and a restful retreat for the weary. It's the place for Mom's to meet in cyberspace, offering chat, email pals, message boards, Life Zine, humor, and more!
Momness Center () - Comprehensive information for moms to be and new moms. A definite must see for any woman!
The Cybermom Dot Com () - A creative and casual look at mothers today offering parenting resources geared toward children of all ages. Get answers to all of your parenting questions on the comprehensive Q & A feature.
The Mommy Forum () - An online resource for support on issues concerning mothers today. Try the message board!
Women's Connection Online () - A site developed expressly for women on the internet. Addresses a variety of issues facing today's woman.
Cyber Moms () - Thoughts, tips, recipes, fav. childrens stories list, parenting questions, etc. Suggestions are very welcome. Visit and sign our Dreambook, make a new friend.
Emphasis Newsletter For Moms () - A new website for the snail mail newsletter, also articles and an organization tip section.
Femina:Family and Motherhood () - Femina is a searchable database of female friendly sites on the World Wide Web.
Midlife Mommies () - An unique online resource committed to educating and supporting women who chose to begin their families later in life. Includes helpful information on topics such as aging and reproduction.
Mom Central () - Do you find your life unorganized? Check out this new web site.
MomPlanet () - MomPlanet... Moms need a playground, too! Look, mom, we went and gave you your own planet.
Moms Online () - A home for moms in cyberspace. Included in the general parenting resources are tried and true advice by Moms, for Moms. Visit the message boards and the Ask The Pros section for answers to your parenting questions.
MOMversations () - MOMversations (TM) encourages communication between all moms. Articles written cover topics of interest for today's mom. Subscriptions available.
Mother's Day Out! () - Helping Mom's be their best. Includes chat, boards, tips, work at home ideas, classifieds, free email account, learn how to start a playgroup or childcare co-op, send greeting cards and more.
Motherstuff () - A general listing of motherhood-related information. Information offered includes midwifery, preemie support and an online bookstore.
National Association of Mothers' Centers () - This nationwide organization of Mothers' Centers offers support for mothers and families.
Postpartum Depression () - Are you wondering about post partum depression? Visit this site for answers, guidelines and resources.
Support for New Mothers () - A site providing reassurance and empathetic support for new mothers-- includes articles and essays.
WebMoms.Com () - A resource for women gathering information on work, hobbies, and other interests!
The Compleat Mother - Many articles and unique humor about pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding; on the radical side without being offensive.
Westcoast Motherhood Adjustment Services - A non-profit organization striving to raise awareness of the emotional challenges many women face during pregnancy and after the birth or adoption of a baby. Includes information on postpartum depression.

If you have any questions or comments about this publication, feel free to email Russ Webb at russ.webb@spcs.bc.ca.

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Copyright © 2002 - 2004. All Rights Reserved. Disclaimer. Last modified: August 05, 2004. The Tumbler Ridge Counselling Service is a part of the Northeast Counselling Services and the Northern Health Authority.