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Tumbler Ridge Counselling Services |
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The Family Council
By
Carolyn M. Usher
As families grow up, individuals begin to push and pull for their own agenda. This is normal; normal but stressful. It's as if we can all see Paradise Island up ahead, but we each have a different route for getting there. Since family members all share the same boat, this is a problem.
One of the best ways for getting everyone's oar pulling in the same direction is a Family Council. It's a meeting where everyone, even the youngest child, has a voice in solving problems, planning for the future and setting the family's priorities.
It's a democratic process and each person's views must be equally respected. Although some decisions are reserved for parents to make, discussion is always encouraged. for example, if a parent's job has been transferred and the family must move, this will not usually (but not necessarily) be a decision that the family as a whole has made. However, the whole family needs to express their feelings about it and be actively involved in planning the move.
Parents need to be very clear and up front about those areas that are negotiable and those that are not. For example, whether or not household chores are done may not be negotiable, but when they are done may be.
The difference between families in turmoil and those where each member thrives is not the presence or absence of problems, but how those problems are handled. The Family Council is a place where each member is heard with respect and the problems of the family are shared and solved by the whole family. Members will learn:
- responsibility as they make choices that the whole family will have to live with.
- courage when they disagree with everyone but speak up anyway.
- how to express themselves in language that doesn't make others defensive.
- that everyone has their own reasons for what they do.
- that some problems take time to resolve.
- how to function in a democracy.
So.....let's get started!
How to Get Started
- Choose a time family members will be able to regularly attend.
- Invite everyone who lives in your household to attend. If everyone won't come, fine. Start with those who will.
- Focus the first council meeting on something positive (like holiday plans) and avoid having it turn into a marathon gripe session.
Ground Rules
- Every person has an equal voice - even a very young child will have good
ideas.
- Everyone should share what they think or feel about each issue.
- Decisions are made by consensus.
- Record all decisions in the minutes - they will be in effect until the next Family Council.
- Some decision are reserved for parents to make, but discussion must always be encouraged.
- Meetings must be more than problem solving sessions. Also use them to plan fun and set goals.
- There are two "positions" and these should rotate. The chairperson keeps the discussion on track and makes sure that each person's opinion is heard and considered. The secetary keeps notes about the decisions made and writes them up as minutes.
Agenda
- Compliments
- voluntary appreciation for help received or a job well done. - Minutes - read last week's
- Old Business - unfinished topics from last meeting
- Finances - a good time to hand out allowances or discuss purchases
- New Business - plan for the future (holidays are always a good topic) and deal with complaints and problems.
Each week, write "Agenda" on a piece of paper, tape it to the fridge and invite everyone to contributre. This is a good way to temporarily "shelve" frustrating problems until they can be dealt with clamly by all membrs of the family at the next council meeting. As everyone gets used to using the family council as a reliable forum to settle disputes, the amount of time and energy given to chronic arguing will noticeably decrease.
Problems
and Complaints
- Ask the person with the complaint to explain the problem. After they've explained it, ask them, "Is this still a problem?"
- If it is, ask anyone else involved to explain their point of view. Everyone should ask clarifying questions.
- Brianstorm solutions, with the secretary writing down all ideas. No one should say whether the ideas are good or bad.
- Through discussion, arrive at a decision that everyone can live with.
- Put the decision into action - it will stay in effect until at least the next Family Council.
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This article has been reprinted with permission from Family-Life Skills Cards, published by the:
You can check out their website at www.bccf.bc.ca |
If you have any questions about anything written above, please feel free to send us an email with your question and we will answer it as quickly and fully as we can.
INTERNET RESOURCES:
- All Family Resources Guide - providing a wide range of useful resources for all types of families. Now over 900 pages of resources plus thousands of links to other sites. www.familymanagement.com
- Adolescence Directory On-Line (ADOL) - is an electronic guide to information on adolescent issues. It is a service of the Center for Adolescent Studies at Indiana University. Educators, counselors, parents, researchers, health practitioners, and teens can use ADOL to find Web resources for a variety of topics. education.indiana.edu/cas/adol/adol.html
- Parentstages.com
- brings you articles and tools for every parenting stage. http://www.parentstages.com/
- The Family Corner - Resources and Articles of Interest to Christian Families. http://www.fix.net/~rprewett/index.html
- Parent Soup -
Explore parents and their children's relationships, join discussions and
chats. http://www.parentsoup.com/
- Improving Family Communication - an article to learn different styles of communications for the different ages of children. http://www.childpsych.com.au/improve.html
- Family Communications Projects - a Mr. Roger's web site with online projects to help support the healthy growth of children and their families. http://www.misterrogers.org/
