Issue28



	Tumbler Ridge Counselling Services

Effective Listening,

Effective Talking

By: Carolyn M. Usher

Effective Listening:

"Listening" seems such an easy thing to do we usually assume we have a natural-born talent for it. Unfortunately, it just isn't so. Active listening means staying really focused on what someone is saying. It's a skill that doesn't come naturally, but it is easily learned and it works just as well with children as it does with adults.

1. Listen Attentively

Listen with your full attention. Turn off the television, put down the newspaper and let them know by your actions that they have your full attention.

Listen with your eyes as well as your ears. Is the person uncomfortable with what they're telling you? Are they relaxed, distressed, excited?

Keep your own responses to a minimum. Your role is to listen. However, let them know that you're hearing them by using phrases such as "I see", "Uh huh", etc.

2. Acknowledge and Reflect Feelings

Listen for the feelings being expressed. They tell us what is influencing the speaker. Feelings are clues to "why".

People are often unaware of their own feelings. connect their feelings with the issue they're talking about and reflect it back to them.
Example: "It sounds as if you feel disrespected by the way I talked to you when you came home late."

3. Explore Options and Consequences

If your child has presented a problem, encourage them to think of alternative solutions, then help them weight the consequences of each.

It's best if they come up with a variety of options themselves. Use encouraging questions like: "What could you do about that?" "What else could you try?" "Do you see any way that it could be done differently?"

Guide them into exploring the consequences of each option. Use questions like: "What do you think would happen if you did that?" "Do you think that would improve the situation?" "Is that result something you could live with?"

"That's an option," is a neutral, non-judgmental comment for a parent to make.

Effective Talking:

There are some situations when a parent needs to communicate their point of view directly! A technique for doing this effectively is "I" messages. "I" messages work well because they shift the emphasis off blaming the child (which they can argue about), to how the parent feels about the behaviour. "I" messages work best in a firm, but calm tone of voice so if necessary, give yourself some time to cool-off if you are angry. "I" messages work equally as well with children and adults.

How to Deliver an "I" Message

1. Name the behaviour or situation you want changed.

Aim this statement at the behaviour, not the child or their personality. Start with "When you...."   Example: "When you leave the kitchen in a mess..."

2. Say how you feel about the situation.

People often believe the emotion they are feeling is anger. If they examine the emotion more closely they realize it is usually closer to something else like: fear, hurt, disrespect, worry, etc. Start with "I feel...." Example: "I feel taken advantage of..."

3. State your reason or the consequences to you.

Everyone wants a reason for changing their behaviour. Give your child a reason. Begin it with "because...." Example: "because then I have to spend my time and energy cleaning up after you."

4. Say what you want done.

Be explicit. Start with "I would like...." Example: "I would like you to put the food away in the fridge and the dishes in the sink."

"I" Message Complete....

     "When you leave the kitchen in a mess, I feel taken advantage of because then I have to spend my time and energy cleaning up after you. I would like you to put the food away in the fridge and the dishes in the sink."

5. Ask for agreement.

Follow your "I" message with a request for agreement and commitment. Example: "Will you put the food away in the fridge and the dishes in the sink when you make yourself something to eat in the kitchen?"

This article has been reprinted with permission from Family-Life Skills Cards, published by the:

You can check out their website at www.bccf.bc.ca

If you have any questions about anything written above, please feel free to send us an email with your question and we will answer it as quickly and fully as we can.

INTERNET RESOURCES:

All Family Resources Guide - providing a wide range of useful resources for all types of families. Now over 900 pages of resources plus thousands of links to other sites. www.familymanagement.com

ABC's of Parenting is a member of the Parenthood Web Family of Sites. Articles on child, infant, health, women's issues, education, home schooling, family finance, etc. www.abcparenting.com

Selfgrowth.com is a guide to personal growth, self-improvement and self-help. www.selfgrowth.com

Psychology Help is a free online self-help text you can start reading today. Each chapter also contain a quiz. www.psychologyhelp.com

Family and Children's Services is a parenting site which includes up to date information, services and resources to help parents and caregivers in the important role of bringing up children. www.fcs.wa.gov.au

Children, Youth and Families Consortium (CYFC) Resources site including information about issues relating to the health, education and well being of children, youth and families. www.cyfc.umn.edu/

Kidsafe - This site has been developed to provide parents, grandparents, schools, local government and children with simple and practical information on the prevention of injuries to children. www.greenweb.com

ParentLink - Is a US based website in Missouri to help parents provide safe, healthy and nurturing environments for their children. Provides links and further information sources. www.outreach.missouri.edu/parentlink

FamilyWeb - FamilyWeb's goal is to provide a fun and informative place for families to gather from around the world. You'll find pregnancy and parenting information in the FAQs and pregnancy sections. www.familyweb.com/

Parentstages.com - brings you articles and tools for every parenting stage. http://www.parentstages.com/

The Family Corner - Resources and Articles of Interest to Christian Families. http://www.fix.net/~rprewett/index.html

If you have any questions or comments about this publication, feel free to email Russ Webb at russ.webb@spcs.bc.ca.

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Copyright � 2002 - 2004. All Rights Reserved. Disclaimer. Last modified: August 05, 2004. The Tumbler Ridge Counselling Service is a part of the Northeast Counselling Services and the Northern Health Authority.