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Blended Families: How do you make them work?
In celebration of Family Day in the month of May, I want to address an issue common for blended families and give you some great internet resources for building successful step-families.
Blended Families or Step-Families have unique problems associated with their functioning. Successful blended families are successful because they recognize that they must work on a paradigm or model that is completely different than the traditional family. I have seen many blended families where the parents feel like they are hitting their heads against a wall in trying to make their family work smoothly.
The number one problematic issue that I come across is conflict associated with the step-parent doing discipline with the step-children. Research on blended families (Check out Visher & Visher's book, "How to Win as a Step-Family") has found that the step-parent can not successfully take on the role of Disciplinarian until they have as much history as non-history with the step-child. Why is this the case?
Well, it goes back to "bonding" research. When a child enters into a family at age 0, they have 1 to 2 years of a nurturing relationship with their parents where trust and emotional connection can take place without any forms of limit setting or discipline. They are just loved for who they are and that's it. However, step-families are always formed out of loss. And the child already has allegiances established with their birth parents. A step-parent coming in and commanding authority without the necessary history will destroy any hope of a successful relationship with their step-children.
Therefore what does this mean for a step-parent with 3 step-children - aged 9, 5 and 2. Well, it can get a little complex, but it means that to gain as much history as non-history, a this step-parent much wait 2 years for the youngest child and 5 years for the middle child before they can take over the role of disciplinarian successfully. However, with the oldest child, the step-parent must recognize that they will essentially never play the role of disciplinarian. Discipline, to be successfully carried out, must be done so by the biological parent.
So, what kind of role can a step-parent have with step-children that he or she can not discipline? Well, there are a number of roles that would fit quite well. They are roles like the following:
- an uncle or an aunt
- an adult friend
- a mentor
- a baby sitter
In all of the above roles, discipline is not carried out by that individual. Rather, in each of these roles, if there is a problem with a child, the individual's authority rests or resides within the biological parent. They would refer to the parent with authority and report the problem to them. It would then be the biological parent's issue to deal out any discipline or consequences.
For more information on step-parenting, check out Visher & Visher's book, "How to Win as a Step-Family" or one of the many link resources below. If you have any comments or questions, feel free to email me at trcs@mail.com and have a great family day,
Step-Family Internet Resources
- The Stepfamily Association of America (SAA): Formed in the early 1980's by veteran stepparents and clinicians Drs. John and Emily Visher, this national non-profit organization...
- assists in forming state chapters,
- publishes a quarterly newsletter,
- sponsors annual lay and professional conferences,
- advocates for stepfamily health, and...
- sells a wide range of helpful materials for co-parents, kids, and helping professionals, online and by mail (see online catalog).
SAA lives at 650 J St., #205, Lincoln, NE, 68503, USA. Voice: 1-800-735-0329; fax: 1-(402)-477-8317
; E-mail: stepfamfs@aol.com- The
Stepfamily Association of Illinois, Inc. (SAI,
Inc.) - This non-profit organization offers
educational support to people considering, in, and supporting
stepfamilies.Personal custom education is available in the greater Chicago
area. Co-founded in 1981 by stepfamily researcher, educator, and counselor Peter
Gerlach, MSW, SAI, Inc. is evolving a series of educational articles
on 12 co-parent projects to overcome 5 related causes of widespread
stepfamily re/divorce. These articles are available online,
by free download,
and via mail order.
P.O. Box 3124, Oak Park, IL 60303, USA; Voice: 1-708-848-0909.
- The
Stepfamily Foundation - Directed by stepfamily pioneer and author
Jeanette Lofas, C.S.W., the Foundation provides stepfamily-support
materials by mail, and professional counseling by phone.
Accessible also through America Online (Go "Parent Soup" and
search on "stepfamily"), and e-mail.
- Successful
Steps (website) -
"Our mission is to build an organization of over 10,000 members strong,
providing research, legal change initiatives, public awareness, support, and
information for stepfamilies." This recent site intends to
provide discussion groups, monthly newsletters, references,
friendship boards, and support groups. Site access only via
free registration.
- Step
Carefully - This
site and organization were founded by a dedicated stepcouple, Bobby and Jo
Collins, who formed a stepfamily in 1994. They offer a quarterly
newsletter "for and by step(people)", and help in developing
local stepfamily support groups, based on their experience
facilitating one in Fort Smith, Arkansas.
- The
Stepfamily Network (website) - "A non-profit service to
step parents, parents, family professionals, and stepchildren. (We are)
dedicated to helping stepfamily members achieve harmony and mutual respect
in their family lives." Site pages include support, a bookstore,
questions (and answers), letters, articles, and a new Kids
Korner.
- The
Stepfamily Solution - Web pages offering stepfamily information and
a range of orderable printed resources, by veteran stepfamily
clinician, lecturer, and author Elizabeth Einstein.
- Step
by Step - Helping stepfamilies in South Australia -
an international site featuring a positive attitude, resource links,
educational information, a newsletter, and other help for step people
"down under" (and us "up overs"). Worth a visit ! The
URL is case sensitive.
- Stepping
Stones Counseling Center, Inc. - "The professionals who
understand stepfamilies": Robert Klopfer, L.C.S.W., B.C.D.; and Susan
Brettschneider, M.S." 115 Pine St., Ridgewood, NJ, USA; 07450; Voice:
1-(201)-444-3686. The website currently features a newsletter, access
to professional counseling, and info on free local workshops.
- The
Stepparenting Connection, Inc. Lots to see here: Weekly chat
groups; Message boards; Advice columns (for kids too); Reading lists; A
stepparent directory; Other links, by category. Founded by Christine Atwell,
"Mom and Stepmom"; Free membership.
- StepMom's
Retreat - A many-sided site for stepmoms (and other co-parents ?)
offering a bulleting board, a chat page, A page on Father's rights, "Penpal
News", "Useful Links", and "The Connection Page". K.
C. Blake is the energetic webmaster / hostess.
- Stepmothers
ARE Mothers - created 3/98 by a Barbara
Pyne - dedicated, veteran biomom of one, and stepmom of three.
- Second
Wives Club A warm, humanistic site dedicated since 1997 to
providing support, friendship, information, and a haven for "woman in
blended-family situations." Membership required for access. Features
include a monthly newsletter, chat and message boards, a place for positive
feedback about marriage (!), stepfamily articles and links, a book-ordering
link... - much to see !
- Stepmothers
International, Inc. Helpful site by a well-directed, nonprofit
group founded by biomom/step mom Angela Sinclair; dedicated to
raising awareness about successful blended family life. Monthly bulletin /
online bookstore / quarterly newsletter / national support groups /
memberships
- Blended
Family Resources - a robust site nurtured by a dedicated step
mom/nurse, laced with pictures, online and other resources, and verve. Check
it out !
-
Co-family Expressions, Inc. An enthusiastic Website and organization proposing kinder titles for members of stepfamilies - and offering a line of special greeting cards for co-family members. The energy behind this creative effort comes from co-moms Kathy McGrath and Jeannie McDonald - and their supportive co-families.
- Divorce
Plus - this is an extensive site of resources for divorcing and
remarried people - many helpful links.
- Studyweb
- "This site is a place
for anyone doing research to find the information they need as easily as
possible. The categories are sorted according to the approximate appropriate
grade level which makes them valuable tools for teachers looking for lesson
plan and curriculum ideas." This link leads to their page on a wide
range of stepfamily-related articles and sites.
- The Asheville Stepfamily Page - Their goal, per founders Craig and Emily Williamson: "To grow families!"; Step parenting topics and resources, including articles for kids.
