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Tumbler Ridge Counselling Services |
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Forgiveness: The Choice to Let Go For Healing
By Russell Webb, MA
Some hurts go deep! Some hurts go very deep! The pain of these hurts inevitably changes people so that they are never the same again. For some, the hurt is dealt with over time and healing is found so that the person can move on with their lives and not get stuck in a “victim” stance. But for others, the hurt seems to never heal. They are the “walking wounded” who grow more and more embittered. Some simply don’t want to let go and heal because they feel to do so would not rightfully honor their pain. Others don’t know how to deal with the pain so they continue to carry it, hoping that with time it will fade.
The problem is the hurt and pain can be carried far longer than the offender may even be aware of it. The one who continues to be hurt by carrying the pain is not the offender, but the one who was offended. We can choose to become imprisoned by the hurts others have inflicted upon us and never be free from them.
The
result of this “imprisoned life” over the long term is severe. People who
hold onto anger and bitterness are known to have greater health problems, to not
live as long, have less ability for happiness, tend to develop negative
perspectives about life, and end up mistrusting their present relationships. How
we deal with hurt in the past imprints a pattern for how we deal with hurt in
the future. As hurts accumulate, trust diminishes, emotional distance increases,
and enjoyment in life fades.
But the good news is that even though the offense may not have been within our control, the path to healing is. We do not have to continue down the road of self-destruction. There is a way to recovery, health and healing. That way is through forgiveness. Many people react to the word “forgiveness” because it conjures up negative thoughts. But forgiveness within psychology is gaining more and more credibility. And forgiveness is something that is within our control.
Within my own experience as a Counsellor, I have commonly come across four hurdles to forgiveness - why people may have difficulty forgiving.
The 1st hurdle is: “What they did hurts too much!” Some people feel they can not forgive because it might invalidate their pain or would feel like they have let the offender off the hook to forgive.
"What they did hurts too much!"
We need to realize that we, not the offender, are the ones who are holding onto the hurt. We are choosing to hurt ourselves by not forgiving. The problem may be that we do not really understand what forgiveness is! Some people think forgiveness is giving up, giving in, wimping out, admitting defeat, tolerating what happened, condoning behaviour, excusing behaviour, smoothing things over, or just forgetting what happened. But these do not reflect an accurate understanding.
Forgiveness
is the act of releasing the offender from the rightfully due penalty of his/her
crime against us and releasing ourselves from the continued desire to be angry
with and punish the offender. It is not minimizing the offense or
suggesting that punishment is not warranted. It is an act of releasing and
letting go.
When we say that we can't forgive because what the offender did hurts too much, we don’t realize that we, not the offender, are the one who is hurt by unforgiveness. Thus, it’s our decision to not forgive that continues our pain.
The 2nd hurdle to forgiveness is: “I can’t forgive. If I forgive, there’ll be no justice!” My best response to this hurdle is to ask another question. The real question is: “How does not forgiving bring justice?” We may have a faulty thinking that believes that holding onto resentment in some way punishes the offender.
To forgive requires trusting that in the end justice will come. Whether you choose to trust God to be just or simply trust that “what goes around, comes around”, it is important to realize that my unforgiveness will never bring justice – it only hurts me.
The real question is: “How does not forgiving bring justice?”
The 3rd hurdle is: “I can’t forgive because the offender never admitted how they hurt me and never apologized. How can I forgive them if they don’t take responsibility for my pain?” The problem with this way of thinking is that it assumes that we will get validation for our pain from the offender. We are indirectly asking the offender to soothe our wounds, to doctor us up, heal us and make us feel better. But we are seeking healing from the wrong source. We can forever hope that their offender will change and admit their wrong and ask forgiveness and validate our feelings. But by doing so we end up giving away our control for health and healing to the offender. We mistakenly assume that the “ball is in the offender’s court” and we are waiting for them to do something. Maybe it is time to take back control and not allow the hurt to continue to control our lives.
The 4th hurdle is: “If I forgive, they will walk all over me. They will take advantage of this “weakness” and hurt and abuse me more!” Yes, there is the possibility that the offender will continue to offend. However, that being said, it is very important to realize that just because we choose to forgive does NOT mean that we shouldn’t have boundaries and limits in our lives and possible CONSEQUENCES for behaviour. If we have been hurt by a very abusive and “emotionally unsafe” individual, it may mean that there should be consequences, limits and boundaries established with that person, even if we can come to the place of forgiving them. Just because we forgive them, does not mean that they are now emotionally (let alone any other way) safe.I think it is very important to separate the issues of FORGIVENESS from BOUNDARIES, LIMITS and CONSEQUENCES. We have the choice to forgive and let go and move on. It is not a choice to be continually emotionally sacrificed again and again by people who hurt others."...just because we choose to forgive does NOT mean that we shouldn’t have boundaries and limits in our lives..."
So, in conclusion: why forgive? Well, consider the alternative. To not forgive has physical, emotional and lifelong consequences. To not forgive means we really imprison ourselves - we become trapped by our own pain. But to forgive starts the journey of healing, and releases us from the pain of the past. The ultimate question we must ask is, “how does not forgiving serve me?” What am I afraid I will lose if I give up my grudges and resentments? You have the ability to choose a journey of healing today for a better future.
If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to send us an email at trcs@spcs.bc.ca.
