Issue5



	Tumbler Ridge Counselling Services

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Dealing successfully with conflict within our relationships makes all the difference as to whether a relationship grows and is successful or whether it moves into a deadlock and the relationship suffers. Learning how to successfully deal with conflict in your relationship will greatly enhance your relationship. There are lots of resources to help you learn better skills for resolving conflict in your relationships.

It is important to note that there are really only 4 ways of solving a conflict. Once you know the 4 ways and assuming that you have some basic rules for handling conflict, you can choose which one best suits your situation and apply it. The 4 ways of resolving conflict are:

Let Fate Decide

Giving In All The Way

Lets Make A Deal

Moving It To A Higher Level

1. Let Fate Decide

This is where the individuals involved "flip a coin", "pull a card from a deck" or "roll a die" - letting fate make the decision in regards to the conflict. This option is obviously limited in its application, but it is an option.

It would only be useful on decisions where neither party is too personally invested in the outcome (eg. which movie to see, where to have dinner, etc.)

2. Giving In All The Way

With this option, one party can make the personal decision to "give in all the way" on a conflictual matter by letting the other party have their way completely. This obviously solves the conflict but may not always be appropriate.

If you are the person who is doing the "giving in", you must do it with no strings attached. There can not be any hidden agendas or plans to use this "giving in" incident to induce guilt on the other person in order to get your way on another upcoming issue. It must be done free and clear with no expectations of repayment. It must be an expression of love, not a form of manipulation.

In couple relationships, "giving in" can be a wonderful act of love and as long as it is something that both parties do on occasion. It may be an indication of a more serious problem in your relationship if only one person is doing all the "giving in".

3. Lets Make A Deal

With the "Let's Make A Deal" approach to resolving conflict an individual must focus upon possible solutions to the conflict. Often couples do not resolve conflict because they get sucked into a blaming pattern in their relationship. He blames her, she blames him. However, blaming never resolves anything. It only entrenches two people into a painful pattern that can invade and overwhelm all aspects of their relationship.

Thus, in this approach an individual focuses upon solutions rather than blaming and presents the other party with a proposal. A proposal is just that - a suggested course of action that is acceptable to one party and is presented to the other party for possible approval.

The other party has only two options. They can either accept or reject the proposal. If they accept the proposal, the conflict is resolved. If they reject the proposal, they are then responsible to come up with a counter-proposal. That counter-proposal can either be accepted or rejected. And if it is rejected then a counter-counter-proposal needs to be made.

This process continues until a resolution can be found that is acceptable to both people.

4. Moving It To A Higher Level

Sometimes couples can not find resolution even when they are focusing upon solutions and giving positive proposals for possible solutions. It is at this point that it may be that they are talking about different things without being aware of it. There are times when a request (or proposal) might be: "Could we make it a priority in our family to always have dinners together?" This proposal may not be legalistically even possible (due to work schedules and events that the kids are involved in). And counter proposals just seem to go no where.

It is at this point that a couple needs to "move the conversation to a higher level". What this means is that the words that are being used within the proposal may not reflect the "real" issue that needs to be discussed. Moving the conversation to a higher level requires that each person take a step back and evaluate what is it that they are really trying to get across.

It is important to not look at the specific request but at what needs, fears, dreams, ambitions, goals, desires are being touched upon but not directly addressed. Asking questions like "What do you really need from me right now?" "What desire does this request meet for you?"

Then the conversation shifts to addressing the real concerns and issues rather than the one specific one. So in our example, having all dinners together as a family simply may not be possible; however, the "real" issue may be that the person feels that the family is not connected enough and that they feel a need to have more family time in some way. Well, there are lots of different ways to find family time and resolution is then at hand.

Some Suggested Conflict Rules

No physical violence allowed. This must be a firm guideline.
All rules should be set by the husband and wife only. No third parties should be involved in setting or enforcing rules. No, "We’ll see what mother has to say about that", or ‘My best friend George says a wife ought to...".
No fair using love or sex as a weapon or punishment. No threats of or actual withdrawal of love or sex as a punitive measure.
Marital fighting should clearly focus on the real issue. No unfair fighting about dirty dishes when what both of you are mad about is an unsatisfactory sexual experience.
Marital fighting should focus clearly on an issue of current relevance. No mud-slinging from the past.
No leaving a marital fight in the middle of the fight unless there is a mutual agreement to a temporary cessation of hostilities. No fair emotionally leaving by using the silent treatment or weakly complying with, "Whatever you say, dear."
No hitting below the belt. Avoid personal attacks and name-calling. an atomic weapon when a squirt gun will do….or becoming hysterical….or criticizinging the unchangeable. Don’t throw your feelings like stones.
No emotional stamp-saving. Clear the air between you and spouse as soon as possible. Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.
When fighting respect your opponent. Avoid cornering your spouse unless you are prepared to deal with a snarling tiger. Leave room for a graceful, mutual withdrawal. Remember, you have to live with each other tomorrow.
Discover and discuss any marital rules. Try to figure out what they are, how they are developed, how they are enforced.
As soon as possible, get rid of any garbage pile of bad feelings from the past, by opening and talking.
Attack the problem, not each other...back up accusation with facts...remember to forget...no cracks about in-laws or relatives...no cracks about your marc’s appearance...no dramatics...stay on the subject.
Consider offering some solutions with your feelings. But cramming solutions down your spouse’s throat is a sure way to get them spat back at you.
Don’t manipulate your mate with, "Its all my fault."
Be humble - you could be wrong.

Feel free to send your comments or questions to Russell Webb at trcs@spcs.bc.ca.

INTERNET RESOURCES:

1. Conflict Resolution Questionnaire - A Conflict Resolution Questionnaire. Easy to take and can tell you a lot about yourself.
http://www.commnet.edu/QVCTC/classes/conflict/questnr.html

2. Resolving Conflict Constructively and Respectfully - Article http://www.ag.ohio-state.edu/~ohioline/hyg-fact/5000/5218.html

3. Resolving Family Conflicts - an Acrobat Reader file to Print http://virtual.clemson.edu/groups/agcomm/pubs/Pages/fyd/HEL69.pdf

4. Family: Resolving Conflicts - an Acrobat Reader file to Print http://www.colostate.edu/Depts/CoopExt/PUBS/CONSUMER/10228.pdf

5. Dimostenis's Conflict Resolution Page - a collection of links, search tools, and articles for researchers interested in conflict and conflict resolution.
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/8945/

6. CRCII Home Page - Conflict Resolution Center International is a non-profit center promoting non-violent conflict resolution. CRCI is home of one of the largest libraries on conflict and dispute resolution.
http://www.conflictres.org/

7. Lamarsh Centre for Research on Violence & Conflict Resolution
The LaMarsh Centre is mandated to support, conduct, and disseminate
the results of research on violence and conflict resolution in the broad
sense.
http://www.yorku.ca/research/lamarsh/

8. A Step By Step Approach - to Conflict Resolution http://www.journeytoteams.com/conflict.htm

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Copyright © 2002 - 2004. All Rights Reserved. Disclaimer. Last modified: February 10, 2005. The Tumbler Ridge Counselling Service is a part of the Northeast Counselling Services and the Northern Health Authority.