Member
of  North East Counselling Services |
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
Tumbler Ridge Counselling Services |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Internet Infidelity
By Russell Webb
In this Issue, we look at the Internet Affairs. We try to answer some of the basic questions on this subject, such as:
- How can it be an affair if it’s not physical?
- Why is the Internet so alluring?
- Why is an Internet affair unwise?
- How do I know if I am already in too deep with an Internet relationship?
- What can I do if I find myself being involved in Internet Infidelity?
- What can I do if my partner is having an inappropriate relationship over the Internet?
- How Can We Protect Our Relationship?
- And check these Internet Resources...
With the growth of the Internet community comes greater access to all types of information, good and bad. With the personal computer becoming a normal household appliance, the accessibility to information and people is astounding. People are meeting people on the Internet all the time – through email, Discussion Lists, MUD’s, Chat Rooms and Relationship Web Sites.
How Can It Be an Affair If It’s Not Physical?
A
relationship on the Internet can happen very easily. Some people think that as
long as I have had no sexual contact with a person, I am still being faithful to
my partner. Yet this simply is not the case. As a therapist, I work with many
couples where infidelity takes place and yet there was no sexual contact. It
does not take a physical act to betray your relationship with your partner.
Infidelity is primarily a matter of the heart, and secondarily an issue of behavior. It is the heart that wonders first, generally, long before any specific betrayal of behavior can be pinpointed. When I work with a couple where there has been sexual unfaithfulness, the toughest issue for the faithful partner is not whether there partner can change their behavior, but how can I know where there heart is. How can I know that they are committed to me with their heart and not just their words.
Why is the Internet so alluring?
Why is the Internet is so alluring – even for people who might not otherwise think of pursuing an extramarital affair? Well, there are as many answers to that question as there are people who find themselves involved in such a relationship. But, I think that there are three aspects of an Internet relationship that make it unique.
First, the Internet is readily accessible. Extra-marital relationships may not be readily accessible but a relationship on the Internet is. Availability and accessibility make Internet infidelity a possibility when people are the most vulnerable. Men and women in mid-life are dealing with reality of their own changing bodies; they commonly struggle with what is truly meaningful in their lives; they feel so many demands upon them with fewer emotional paybacks. An Internet relationship adds some mystery, intrigue to a person’s life and can initially meet some long forgotten emotional needs.
Second, an Internet relationship is private and secret. Well, it is a lot more private way of establishing a secret relationship than what would be the case otherwise. Thus, the risks seem so small and inconsequential. I have met individuals who believe that their Internet relationship is a harmless relaxation activity. They live in denial that their virtual-relationship could possibly be harmful to their real relationship in their marriage.
Third, the Internet can have an addictive-like aspect to it. What I mean by this is, it can function within a person’s life in a similar way to that of an addiction. We can start to "use" it to avoid other issues or problems in our lives. We can use it to feel connected when we aren’t in our real life. We can use it to avoid feelings of loneliness in our marriage, lack of communication and intimacy, feeling trapped by kids and responsibilities, - all of which we would rather not feel. We may even feel hurt and abandoned by our spouse, but we can avoid all these feelings and issues by having an Internet relationship.
Why is an Internet Affair Unwise?
The fundamental feature of an Internet relationship is fantasy not reality. We can develop an image and idea of what the other person is like, but it is fraught with assumptions and open to many inaccuracies. We can easily end up painting a picture of the person we need or desire, rather than establishing a relationship that is based on reality.
A
fantasy relationship hurts and damages a marriage relationship. Comparisons
between fantasy and reality are made and reality can never measure up to the
fantasy. People become emotionally involved with a fantasy that destroys their
perception of their real partner. Their energy goes into the fantasy, rather
than investing into their marriage and into improving their relationship with
their partner.
An Internet relationship is not wise because you do not really know who the person is at the other end of the cyber-line. At best, they may neglect to tell you their real issues and faults, and at worst, they may be deceiving you completely. The relationship may not mean to them what it means to you. In one situation I came across, the cyber-relationship was to a married woman who had two other cyber-relationships.
So, it is important to realize that an Internet relationship is harmful to your marriage. But, how do you know if a relationship on the Internet might begin to harm your marriage?
How do I know if I am already in too deep with an Internet relationship?
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Am I keeping this relationship (or the nature of it) a secret from my partner?
- Do I tell more of myself (my thoughts and feelings) to the person on the Internet then I tell my partner? Be honest!
- Do I ever flirt online?
- Do I engage in sexual discussions over the Internet?
- Do I neglect my relationship with my partner (or my children) in anyway due to time I spend on the Internet?
- Do I think about my Internet relationship while I am doing other things (in other words, do I become preoccupied with my Internet relationship?)
- Do I ever fantasize (or daydream) about what the Internet person is like or what it would be like if I were with them?
If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, chances are you have gone too far in the relationship and that it may already be doing damage to your relationship with your spouse.
What can I do if I find myself being involved in Internet Infidelity?
I would seriously suggest that you go for counselling to help you to figure out all your conflicting feelings. It would be very valuable for you to figure out in counselling, the answer to such questions as:
- How did I get involved in this relationship?
- What was going on in my emotional life at the time that I got involved in this relationship?
- What needs did I have met through the Internet relationship?
- Do I see any patterns in the types of relationships I get involved in?
- What does my marriage mean to me and what needs are not being met?
- How can my partner and I better meet each other’s needs?
Relationship counselling can be the best investment you ever make into your relationship especially when you have two people who want make it work.
But you may also want to consider ending the fantasy relationship. This may be painful and hard, but necessary. This may mean making the clear decision to have no Internet access for quite some period of time. This is to help you to see just how much time and energy you were giving to the Internet and the fantasy relationship and not being drawn back into it.
What can I do if my partner is having an inappropriate relationship over the Internet?
If you haven’t confronted your partner, you might want to consider talking to them about some of the following questions:
- How meaningful is our relationship to you? How can we make it more meaningful in our relationship?
- Do you feel we get stuck in blaming each other for problems? How can we look for solutions rather than simply blaming?
- How can we add more zest and fun into our relationship?
- I need you to end your Internet relationship if we are to enhance and improve our own. Are you willing to do that?
- I want to bring new life to our relationship and I believe we can if we seek counselling together. Would you come with me?
Again, going for relationship counselling would be most valuable to you. Even if your partner does not wish to go, you need to work on the emotional fallout from their behavior and figure out what it is that you need to do for you.
How Can We Protect Our Relationship?
"Be prepared" is the motto for the Boy Scouts and it relates well to your marriage. Take the time to protect your marriage from Internet relationships. Take the time to talk to your spouse about this issue. Take the time to invest in your relationship to make it more meaningful and vibrant for both of you. That may mean such things as:
- Doing more fun things together.
- Finding time to talk together.
- Reading a marriage book together.
- Going to a marriage enrichment weekend as a couple.
- Going for couple counselling to learn to better communicate with each other.
You
may want to put safe guards on your computer as well. Put it in an open area,
not in a secret back room. Take off the instant message feature. Log all
Internet use and monitor it to protect yourself and your children.
But most of all take the time and energy to enhance your marriage. Don’t take it for granted. Make your marriage a priority and it can last a lifetime.
Feel free to send your comments and questions to Russell Webb at trcs@spcs.bc.ca.
This is a great resource to understand issues such as:
- What is Internet Addiction (IA)?
- What is Cybersexual Addiction?
- Do you spend too much time on-line?
- What are the risk factors involved with IA?
- What makes the Internet so addictive?
- How spouses' deal with Cyberaffairs.
- Kids and Computers - Addiction and Media Violence.
- How to Stop Internet Misuse at College.
- Dealing with Internet misuse and the workplace.
- How do you treat Internet Addiction?
- Men, Women, and the Internet: Gender Differences.
- Compulsive Online Gambling, Shopping, and Trading.
- Article: "Internet Infidelity: It doesn't take a physical act to betray your vows" By Randy Frame - http://www.christianity.net/mp/7M4/7M4034.html
- Article: "Internet Can Be As Addicting As Alcohol, Drugs And Gambling, Says New Research" by Kimberly S. Young, Psy.D. - http://www.shpm.com/articles/internet/intaddic.html
-
Article: "Crossing the Line--On Line" by David N. Greenfield, Ph.D. and Al Cooper, Ph.D. - http://www.shpm.com/articles/cyber_romance/sexcross.html
-
Article: "Self-Help for CyberSexual Addiction" by Marlene M. Maheu Ph.D. - http://www.shpm.com/articles/cyber_romance/csaddict.html
-
Cyber-affairs Survey - Check out the results of an online survey with regards to this issue. Collected and Compiled by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D. - http://www.shpm.com/cgibin/cyber_survey.cgi
